It's dark. The only light is coming from the Xmas lights around the stage and the exit sign. It's been forever since I've been here. Maybe even longer. Right now I can't remember why.
Then it comes to me as I scan the crowd for him. It's the possibility that he will be here. That I will be confronted with the past that I yearn daily to obliterate. That perhaps just maybe after all this time he will recognize me and start to cross the crowd to say hi. How are you. And the hatred on my face will be visible or I will start to cry.
Or maybe, just maybe, I won't feel a thing.
And we will be civil, like adults should be in these situations.
Luckily the situation doesn't present itself.
11.23.2009
10.27.2009
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33486372/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/27/california.gang.rape.investigation/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
http://www.contracostatimes.com/top-stories/ci_13644237?nclick_check=1
A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.
Instead of that bullshit, how about:
If a woman is drunk, don't rape her. If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her. If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her. If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her. If a woman is jogging in a park at 5AM, don't rape her. If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her. If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her. If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her. If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her. If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her. If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her. If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her. If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her. If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her. If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her. If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend. If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police. If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and report him as a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, and sons of friends that it's not okay to rape someone.
Don't just tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape. Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x, y, or z. Don't imply that it's in any way her fault. Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl. Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can too help yourself. Rape is not about sex, it's about control and power, and what kind of power comes from taking advantage of others? No power anyone should ever desire.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/27/california.gang.rape.investigation/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
http://www.contracostatimes.com/top-stories/ci_13644237?nclick_check=1
A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.
Instead of that bullshit, how about:
If a woman is drunk, don't rape her. If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her. If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her. If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her. If a woman is jogging in a park at 5AM, don't rape her. If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her. If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her. If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her. If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her. If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her. If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her. If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her. If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her. If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her. If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her. If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend. If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police. If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and report him as a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, and sons of friends that it's not okay to rape someone.
Don't just tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape. Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x, y, or z. Don't imply that it's in any way her fault. Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl. Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can too help yourself. Rape is not about sex, it's about control and power, and what kind of power comes from taking advantage of others? No power anyone should ever desire.
10.22.2009
AlterNet: Rape Is a Pre-Existing Condition? The Heartlessness of the Health Insurance Industry Exposed
Ok, now this is just downright insane. I cannot believe that the insurance companies can do this. And if the reforms don't put a stop to it, I think I am going to move abroad.
-------------------------------------
Rape Is a Pre-Existing Condition? The Heartlessness of the Health Insurance Industry Exposed
http://www.alternet.org/healthwellness/143426
By taking anti-AIDS medicine after a rape, Christina Turner discovered that she had made herself all but uninsurable.
-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Rape Is a Pre-Existing Condition? The Heartlessness of the Health Insurance Industry Exposed
http://www.alternet.org/healthwellness/143426
By taking anti-AIDS medicine after a rape, Christina Turner discovered that she had made herself all but uninsurable.
-------------------------------------
GIST: 38 of 365
1. OUR HEAT WORKS NOW!!
2. Picking pumpkins with Alexis and Louisa yesterday.
3. The color gray.
4. Emails from abroad.
5. Dinner with a good friend.
2. Picking pumpkins with Alexis and Louisa yesterday.
3. The color gray.
4. Emails from abroad.
5. Dinner with a good friend.
10.19.2009
just decide already
Why is it that I cannot make a decision, be done with it and be content?
Instead, I spend countless hours fretting over whether I have made the right choice. I become anxious about each one, lest I do the wrong thing and end up disappointing someone else. And instead I am constantly disappointed.
So my life is full of regret. Every decision analyzed and re-analyzed. Always looking back, poring over past decisions, wondering what my life would have been like if I had gone in another direction.
If only I had fought to be a biology major instead of giving up and studying art.
If only I had made better choices with the men I have dated.
If only I hadn't stayed so long in doomed relationships.
If only I had been more willing to work on others whose flaws I allowed to overshadow their strengths.
If only I had been more aggressive in job searches instead of taking the first ones found and offered.
If only I had learned how to live within my means instead of getting so far into debt I can't see out of the hole.
An I know that there is nothing I can do about the past. I can only look forward and try to make better choices in the future.
Which is a problem in itself.
I just cannot seem to live in the present. To take things as they come. To stop wishing that my life will start and live in the moment. Carpe diem and all that. And while I know a lot of things about myself, I don't know why this is. And I don't begin to know how to figure it out.
Instead, I spend countless hours fretting over whether I have made the right choice. I become anxious about each one, lest I do the wrong thing and end up disappointing someone else. And instead I am constantly disappointed.
So my life is full of regret. Every decision analyzed and re-analyzed. Always looking back, poring over past decisions, wondering what my life would have been like if I had gone in another direction.
If only I had fought to be a biology major instead of giving up and studying art.
If only I had made better choices with the men I have dated.
If only I hadn't stayed so long in doomed relationships.
If only I had been more willing to work on others whose flaws I allowed to overshadow their strengths.
If only I had been more aggressive in job searches instead of taking the first ones found and offered.
If only I had learned how to live within my means instead of getting so far into debt I can't see out of the hole.
An I know that there is nothing I can do about the past. I can only look forward and try to make better choices in the future.
Which is a problem in itself.
I just cannot seem to live in the present. To take things as they come. To stop wishing that my life will start and live in the moment. Carpe diem and all that. And while I know a lot of things about myself, I don't know why this is. And I don't begin to know how to figure it out.
10.14.2009
10.13.2009
GIST: 37 of 365
1. Big Bang Theory!
2. Sending back the Dollhouse DVDs to Netflix and...
3. Getting the first three of Supernatural: Season 3 next.
3. My haircut is still making me happy. Thanks Doug!
5. The crisp fall weather that we're having.
2. Sending back the Dollhouse DVDs to Netflix and...
3. Getting the first three of Supernatural: Season 3 next.
3. My haircut is still making me happy. Thanks Doug!
5. The crisp fall weather that we're having.
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