just decide already

Why is it that I cannot make a decision, be done with it and be content?

Instead, I spend countless hours fretting over whether I have made the right choice.  I become anxious about each one, lest I do the wrong thing and end up disappointing someone else.  And instead I am constantly disappointed.

So my life is full of regret.  Every decision analyzed and re-analyzed.  Always looking back, poring over past decisions, wondering what my life would have been like if I had gone in another direction.

If only I had fought to be a biology major instead of giving up and studying art.

If only I had made better choices with the men I have dated.

If only I hadn't stayed so long in doomed relationships.

If only I had been more willing to work on others whose flaws I allowed to overshadow their strengths.

If only I had been more aggressive in job searches instead of taking the first ones found and offered.

If only I had learned how to live within my means instead of getting so far into debt I can't see out of the hole.

An I know that there is nothing I can do about the past.  I can only look forward and try to make better choices in the future.

Which is a problem in itself.

I just cannot seem to live in the present.  To take things as they come.  To stop wishing that my life will start and live in the moment.  Carpe diem and all that.  And while I know a lot of things about myself, I don't know why this is.  And I don't begin to know how to figure it out.