expectations

I watch a lot of tv. My therapist seems to think maybe I watch too much tv.

She's probably right.

I like the escape. I think it's better than my life.

My favorite shows are aimed at teenagers. Kids who have their lives ahead of them and will meet all of the expectations that they, and their parents, have laid out before them. Whether it's the job or the partner or whatever.

I am constantly wishing that I could go back and do it over. That I hadn't fucked it up then. That I could take advantage of the world of possibilities open to me. That I'd taken a different path, a better path. That I'd been charmed too.

And so, I think I have completely unrealistic expectations when it comes to the course my life has taken.

I desperately want to have the dream job that I can't wait to get to every morning and perfect children who do cute and funny things that I record meticulously on my blog which has thousands of readers. I want a sister and/or a brother who is insufferably witty and loves me for who I am and does everything to help me follow my dreams. I want grandparents who are richer than Donald Trump and want nothing more than to spend their every dime on me and a mother who is my best friend and a father who is fantastically successful at all he does. I want a huge extended family that loves and supports me no matter what. I want to be skinny and beautiful and wear all of the right stuff and mento find me incredibly attractive and smart. I want to be successful at everything I try.

None of these things is reListic on it's own, but all together? No one had that.

But, I feel like I EXPECT that these things can and will magically happen with little or no effort in my part and when they don't I feel like a failure.

So, I spend a lot of time feeling like a failure.

I compare myself to everyone around me. They all seem to have the things I want and don't know how to get. .

And then I think that I have this horribly mediocre life. Albeit with some pretty great friends but rhen there are the overpretective parents who can barely get by and want to know every derail of my life, four dead penniless grandparents, no siblings to count on, nor loving partner, and a job that is boring but just tolerable on the best of days.

Oh, yeah, and no motivation or ambition and a heavy dose of depression to boot.

So here I sit. Feeling old and hopelessly inadequate. All because of pop culture and my own lack of a feeling of self. And you would think that all of this would turn me against the teen comedies and dramas. But it's like a train wreck and I can't stop watching.