It's seven days until I turn 32.
I am not OK with this.
I am not having a major meltdown like in 2001 when I turned 25 and nearly had to be committed. But I think that this might be the most difficult one since then. I'm not sure why. Maybe I am finally feeling like an adult.
Or maybe it the same thing as last time. The whole, what the fuck am I doing with my life. There are so many things that I wanted this life to be. That it isn't.
I am no closer to an apartment or house or condo of my own or going to France or Bali or Australia or getting married and having a family than I was in 2001.
But I am trying. I have a roommate who I get along with pretty well. And a job I genuinely like. I'm on meds that are keeping me sane and letting me sleep. I have a boy who, for some reason, thinks I am pretty great, who I am in love with as well.
Maybe it's complacency. I am afraid that the good will disappear and the bad will come back. I really do dread that. There was so much bad for what seemed like so very long.
I thank God for this every day. Just in case she exists.
I'll join you in giving thanks. There's a whole lot of yuck out there in the cold, cruel world, but also a whole lot of wonderful. When you've had to struggle back from a really hard place, maintaining your own will is a heck of an achievement.
ReplyDeleteIn the winter, I celebrate every passing day, because it means that the sunshine is just that much closer. Back at AZA, I used to have a chart of daylight hours pinned next to my desk, so I could see the sun returning. http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/docs/RS_OneYear.php Today the sun rose at 7:10 and will set at 5:35. Tomorrow, sunrise is at 7:09 and sunset at 5:36, a gain of two minutes. And it keeps getting better.
Someone told me today that 30-35 are the best years of your life.
ReplyDeleteOf course, they were 38. That's how it goes; we are always thinking the best years of our life just ended.
Perhaps when we are 80 we will say, "alas, to be in our springy 70s again!"